LEAVE IT TO OBAMA

FADE IN:The Cleaver living room. WARD is sitting in his chair reading the paper. JUNE is vacuuming. BARACK enters carrying an arm load of American flags.

BARACK: Hello Mr. Cleaver, Mrs. Cleaver.

JUNE: Oh, hello Barack.

WARD: Hello Barack

BARACK: That's a lovely dress youre wearing today Mrs. Cleaver

JUNE: Oh thank you Barack.

BARACK: And lovely perfume.

JUNE: Thank you again Barack.

BARACK: I hope you're not vacuuming out of bitterness,Mrs. Cleaver.

JUNE: No Barack, I just like a clean house.

BARACK: A very worthy endeavor Mrs. Cleaver.(to WARD). That's a very nice cardigan youre wearing today Mr. Cleaver.

WARD: Thank you, Barack, but its just an old thing Ive had for 20 years.

BARACK: Is that so? I swear I've never seen it before.Not once in 20 years. I must've been away every time you wore it.

WARD: Well that's not really true Barack. I was wearing it last week and you were here. In fact you've seen me wear it a number of times.

BARACK: No, I dont think so Mr. Cleaver.I dont ever remember seeing you in that cardigan.(thoughtful pause) Oh wait. That's right. I do remember you wearing it now Mr. Cleaver. I just forgot. Was it made in the US? Im against NAFTA you know.

WARD: Actually it was Barrack. But didn't your cousin Mary Jane tell everyone not to pay attention to what you were saying in public that in private you'd never get rid of NAFTA?

BARRACK: Gee Mr. Cleaver, are you going to take her word for it over mine?

JUNE: Well Barrack she said you told her to say it.

BARACK: I dont know where she got that crazy idea. In fact I didn't even know she was my cousin.(pause) Is Wally around?

JUNE: No, Im sorry Barack, he and the Beaver went out to get a birthday present for the Beaver's teacher.

BARACK: Oh, well I wanted to give him an American flag. And I want you and Mr. Cleaver to have one too. I want you to know how patriotic I am and how proud I am of it and much I really love my country.

WARD ( taking the flag): That's very nice Barack but you know the neighbors are getting a little upset listening to your Uncle Jeremiah damning America at the top of his lungs all the time.

BARRACK: Really? When did you hear that? I never heard anything like that.

JUNE: But he's been living with you for 20 years. You never heard him say we got what we deserved on 9-11?

BARACK: Well,no. Did he say that? Gee Mrs. Cleaver I didn't know he was saying all these things. You do believe me I hope.

WARD: Barack, everybody in the neighborhood heard him last night around dinner time screaming at the top of his lungs that the US created AIDS to kill black people.

BARACK:Oh that. I do remember hearing something like that. But I was in my room trying to get my homework out of my dog's mouth.

WARD: You have to admit Barrack, that is a pretty strange thing to say. We heard about it because Wally said he was walking by the house and could hear the yelling and said he saw you through the window.

BARACK: You know now that you mention it, I do remember something about that now. I think I went downstairs after I successful retrieved my homework. And I want you to know Mr.and Mrs.Cleaver that I denounce every word I never heard him say. Im going to have him move out.

JUNE: Do what you think is best Barack.

BARACK: Well tell Wally I was here and not to vote for that lying Hillary Ann McGuillicuddy.

WARD: We think Wally can make up his own mind, Barack.

BARACK: Right. Well that's what I meant to say. A poor choice of words on my part ( sniffs the air) That sure does smell good Mrs. Cleaver. You know how I've always loved your cooking..

JUNE: That's oven cleaner, Barack.

BARACK: It is? (a beat) I mean, yes I knew that. That was a poor choice of words Mrs. Cleaver. What I meant to say is I can already smell the wonderful dishes that are going to come from your oven once it's clean.

WALLY and the BEAVER enter.

BARACK: Hey Wally, Hey Beav.

WALLY: Hi Barack.

BARACK (handing a flag): Have an American flag Wally from your patriotic friend who loves his country.

WALLY (taking it): Youre in a lot of trouble Barack.

BARACK: What did I do now?

WALLY; They just found Flora Didaman and Michelle Egansky tied to chairs in your garage with tape over their mouths. They said you're trying to keep them from voting for Hillary Ann McGuillicuddy.

BARACK: But they showed up for gym class not wearing the proper uniforms and broke the rules so I didnt think they should have the right to vote. Well I have to be going. Don't forget to vote for me Wally,and don't forget how patriotic I've always been. And don't believe anything Hillary Ann McGuillicuddy says. She'll say anything to win.

BARRACK'S CELL PHONE RINGS TO THE TUNE OF THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER. HE ANSWERS IT.

BARRACK: Hello?(pause) Oh hello Uncle Jeremiah.(pause) What? The dog is eating my homework? Okay I'll be right there.

HE CLICKS OFF AND PUTS THE PHONE AWAY

BARACK: I have to get going. Don't forget to vote for me.

WALLY: See ya Barack.

WARD and JUNE: Goodbye Barack.

BARACK EXITS.

They all look at each other, shake their heads and shrug.

FADE OUT.